Why I Didn’t Deconstruct After Church Hurt

Church hurt is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

The broadness of the phrase “church hurt” requires clarity and nuance. I think we can take the variety of experiences captured under that phrase and plot them on a continuum.

On one end, we see hurts like betrayal, lies, gossip, spiritual abuse, and the hypocrisy of a church’s leaders. This kind of hurt bewilders, confuses, and disorients. These hurts tend to fall on the intense and rare level of the spectrum. It's important to state that church hurt isn’t one-directional. It can happen between members, between leaders, leader to member, and member to leader.

Now, on the other end of the spectrum, there are the more frequent and milder hurts that occur when we live in proximity, honesty, and regularity with fellow sinners who are still being sanctified. Disappointments, misunderstandings, and conflict all happen in this space. These experiences hurt, but they don’t hurt hurt. Stubbing a toe hurts. But breaking a leg is a different kind of hurt. With all hurts, there’s a difference in the severity and in the healing process. Same goes for church hurt.

Church Hurts

As we think about church hurt, wisdom teaches us not to elevate every pain into a five-alarm fire (Proverbs 10:12). Not every disagreement, disappointment, or conflict is spiritual abuse or what’s now commonly called “church hurt.” But sometimes, a leg really is broken. The alarm is warranted. I’ve felt the flames. I’ve got the scars too.

If we take the continuum into account, we’ve all gone through types of hurt. Some of us know the severe and intense hurts dealt by leaders. Betrayal, lies, gossip, slander, division, name-calling, intimidation, manipulation, hypocrisy, financial mishandling, secret meetings, nondisclosure agreements, cover ups, and more. I’ve gone through these kinds of hurt from friends, pastors, and people I deeply trusted. Deep wounds can only happen with deep trust.

Deconstruction or Double Down?

As I’ve shared these stories with friends, writers, publishers, church planters, and pastors, one question keeps surfacing: “Why didn’t you deconstruct?” Or “Why do you keep serving the church? Why do you keep doing ministry?”

It’s a fair question. We’ve all heard how these stories can go. Sadly, it’s not uncommon to hear of a church hurt that spiraled into leaving the Church altogether, turning away from Christ, going headlong into sin, and rejecting anything that has to do with God.

So why didn’t I? It’s pretty clear.

Because Jesus is alive.

Because Jesus really died for my sins and rose again. Because Christ is Lord. Because Jesus is real. Because every word of Scripture demands my obedience to him.

I think some people deconstruct because they built their house on the sand. Their spiritual foundation was their pastor, their community, or their expectations about what Christianity should be like. When scandal, hypocrisy, or hurt happened, their foundation gave way. And now they feel displaced. Dejected. Their house was built on sand. Celebrity pastors make terrible foundations. Vibes cannot hold. Expectations erode. But if your foundation is Christ and his word, you can withstand even the deepest church hurt.

Consider the apostle Paul. If anyone had reasons to deconstruct by today’s standards, it was Paul. He witnessed hypocrisy in leaders like Peter and Barnabas (Gal 2). Some of the churches he planted turned against him (Corinth). Some were abandoning the gospel (Galatia). He experienced great persecution and suffering. And yet, Paul endured to the end. His affection for Christ and Christ’s church never flatlined.

Maybe this illustration is too simplistic, but it’s helpful to me.

Have you ever had bad eggs? Too salty, too bland, overcooked, or fake? Of course you have. But did that experience cause you to swear off eggs and anything with eggs? I doubt it. While I’ve had some awful eggs, I’ve also had some incredible ones. A bad experience doesn’t eliminate the goodness and health that’s possible. And in the case of biblical Christianity, church hurt doesn’t eliminate the possibility of thriving in a healthy church. And it also doesn’t excuse us from biblical obedience.

Church hurt doesn’t change the truth. Bad tellers of truth—or liars—don’t change reality. When a church leader or another Christian sins and misrepresents what Christ calls the church to be, it doesn’t change Christ. And it doesn’t change our call to follow him and his word. “Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart, who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways!” (Psalm 119:2–3)

One of my mentors once told me, “No one can hurt you like the local church. And no one can love you like the church.” So true. When I boil down the various church hurts in my life, it’s a small number of people who caused great hurt. But when I zoom out, I see a giant number of Christians who have loved, cared, carried burdens, and shown me the heart of Christ. The hurters are dwarfed by the healers and helpers. Rather than deconstruct from the church or Christ, I needed to double down.

So, why didn’t I deconstruct? Jesus is real. And so is His church.

If you’ve been hurt, don’t let the pain cloud the call to gather with God’s people (Hebrews 10:24–25) and be cared for by pastors (Hebrews 13:17). Stay in the body. You don’t heal a broken leg by taking it away from the body. It’s healed with the body, in the body, and in a way, by the body. God will renew you—and he’s going to use the means he’s provided in the body of Christ. You will walk again. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). Deep wounds are no match for the deep healing of Christ. I’m living proof.